The pressure I feel
There will always be moments that I wish I could do over or take back. Sometimes it's something I've said or stupid things I've done just to get a laugh. I often feel like I'm the butt of the joke, and no one really takes me seriously. I realize, most of this is in my head or perhaps it's my shoulder devil whispering his little lies into my ear. But there will always be the fear that says, "What if it's true?" What if, I'm the one that always screws things up, or I am always the butt of all the jokes? Which then spirals into, well, I'm short and out of shape, I'm not pretty enough, why would anyone like me?
These thoughts often race as I steal a glimpse of myself through a mirror. But they're almost always followed by scolding myself. I quickly, shake my head and think, "No, You can't follow this lie. You can't give in." Once you give in, it seems almost impossible to feel like you're actually living. I've been let down so badly it almost consumed my life. I came close to giving up on a career path and passion. However, in a moment of anger and desperation, I began chanting to myself, "I am the head, not the tail, God wants me to prosper, not perish." I had repeated this, over and over until, it clicked. I literally went from anger to smiling. Almost laughing out loud for joy. Something in that moment turned me around.
I wish I could say, I never battle with thoughts of inferiority and self deprecation. That I'm am as confident as I try so hard to outwardly convey. But I can't, I struggle, just like everyone struggles. I still ask why anyone would like me (even though I'm in a committed relationship), I still wonder if I'll ever find better job opportunities, or if I'll ever have the confidence to pursue my own dreams that I've seemed to have buried for so long. Fact is, I can't do it on my own, I need to learn to stop trusting in myself and start trusting in Christ more. To pray and remind myself, I'm not doing all this for me, well I am, but ultimately, I hope that my path in life is pleasing to they eyes of my father. Who provides when I can't see it, protects me from seen and unseen evil, and calls me to be more than I could ever be on my own.
Girls if you're reading this, you are more beautiful than you'll ever know. You are more blessed than you can see, and you do not have to do this all alone.When you feel farthest from Christ, that's when he's closer than ever, just waiting to show you the world. Do not listen to lies of inadequacy or failure, shut up the whispers of doubt and self deprecation. You were not meant to suffer and live in fear. Claim the gifts of the spirit, pray daily, and meditate on Christ. Most of all, simply listen to the father and overwhelming peace and clarity will wash over you. Believe me, I know what it is to fear being able to let go and let the father take over, it's not always easy and something we'll always be learning how to do, but it is so worth it.
I guess I'm writing all of this to remind myself of what I need to get back to. I'm not perfect and I'll never claim to be. But I can claim that God is good and he has never failed me.
These thoughts often race as I steal a glimpse of myself through a mirror. But they're almost always followed by scolding myself. I quickly, shake my head and think, "No, You can't follow this lie. You can't give in." Once you give in, it seems almost impossible to feel like you're actually living. I've been let down so badly it almost consumed my life. I came close to giving up on a career path and passion. However, in a moment of anger and desperation, I began chanting to myself, "I am the head, not the tail, God wants me to prosper, not perish." I had repeated this, over and over until, it clicked. I literally went from anger to smiling. Almost laughing out loud for joy. Something in that moment turned me around.
I wish I could say, I never battle with thoughts of inferiority and self deprecation. That I'm am as confident as I try so hard to outwardly convey. But I can't, I struggle, just like everyone struggles. I still ask why anyone would like me (even though I'm in a committed relationship), I still wonder if I'll ever find better job opportunities, or if I'll ever have the confidence to pursue my own dreams that I've seemed to have buried for so long. Fact is, I can't do it on my own, I need to learn to stop trusting in myself and start trusting in Christ more. To pray and remind myself, I'm not doing all this for me, well I am, but ultimately, I hope that my path in life is pleasing to they eyes of my father. Who provides when I can't see it, protects me from seen and unseen evil, and calls me to be more than I could ever be on my own.
Girls if you're reading this, you are more beautiful than you'll ever know. You are more blessed than you can see, and you do not have to do this all alone.When you feel farthest from Christ, that's when he's closer than ever, just waiting to show you the world. Do not listen to lies of inadequacy or failure, shut up the whispers of doubt and self deprecation. You were not meant to suffer and live in fear. Claim the gifts of the spirit, pray daily, and meditate on Christ. Most of all, simply listen to the father and overwhelming peace and clarity will wash over you. Believe me, I know what it is to fear being able to let go and let the father take over, it's not always easy and something we'll always be learning how to do, but it is so worth it.
I guess I'm writing all of this to remind myself of what I need to get back to. I'm not perfect and I'll never claim to be. But I can claim that God is good and he has never failed me.
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